god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
