I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
