I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
