Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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