in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
