"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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