It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
