When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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