I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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