Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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