I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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