Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
