If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
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I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
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