come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
