one word: firstdatebathroomanal
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
