dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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