she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
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I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
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One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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