So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
