but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
