Just fell off a train. Bad.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
