I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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