I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
