He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
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Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
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And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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