I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
