My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
We had to coat check the pizza.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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