FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
