Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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