I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
She's the barista slut.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
