haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
