My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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