I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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