Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Randomize
