i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
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I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
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To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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