I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
