brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
