He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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