we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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