You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
