I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
