Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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