i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
We had to coat check the pizza.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
