My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
