he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
