You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
too bad you live with your parents still
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Randomize
