if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
