I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I did not marry a roomba.
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