In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
