I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
