Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
