We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
