she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
