what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
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