Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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