By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
