cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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