I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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