I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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