Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
