don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
