When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
