I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
