Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Holy sore nipples Batman
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
